They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
