He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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