she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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