I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
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I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
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ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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