The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
