I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
