Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is it penis luge time yet?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
