I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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