found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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