EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
