I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
