HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
