At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
