So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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