where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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