Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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