I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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