I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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