You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
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my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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