seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
