Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
