and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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