i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
