omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
pray to the hookup gods
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
