And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
