I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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