my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
