Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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