Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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