omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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