i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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