the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
