i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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