When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
