I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize