i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
