It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
