Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
