i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
