woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
