If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
