He uses pillows to masturbate.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
