Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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