I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
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No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize