My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
