Betty ford says i'm here all night
the condom got lost in my hair
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
