Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
