her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
