Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
