i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
