He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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