Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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