i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
