there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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